So how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?
(sighs)
Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs
can usually find somebody to pay him for it.
But really I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
How's that?
- My brother got me in it. - Well, who's your brother?
Stuntman Bob.
(snorts, chuckles)
(men chatting softly)
(phone beeping)
I'm ready to blaze!
Finally, yeah. You need to catch up with us.
- Now the party can start. - Yep.
Anywho, I'm sorry. You forgive me?
But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here.
Promise. You ready to go to the lake?
Mm-hmm.
- How about your friend, bring him? - I thought no boys.
If you really want him to come, Shanna won't mind.
So how about it? Boys or just us girls?
Mmm, us girls.
Good idea.
(bottles clink)
STUNTMAN MIKE: Ladies?
Thanks.
Cheers, Butterfly.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep...
"And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Mike.
She already broke off that dance.
Is that true?
Did I miss my chance?
Do I frighten you?
Is it my scar?
It's your car.
Ah, yeah, I know.
Sorry. (inhales deeply)
It's my mom's car.
(chuckles softly)
Have you been following us?
(chuckling) No, but that's what I love about Austin...
it's just so damn small.
- You've seen this guy before? - I saw him outside of Guero's.
And I saw you outside Guero's, too.
You saw my car, I saw your legs.
Now, look, I ain't stalking y'all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.
So you really weren't following us?
I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky.
So, how about that lap dance?
Sorry, it was a one-time only offer,
and she did it earlier this evening at Antone's.
- No, she didn't. - How do you know?
I'm good that way.
- Tsk. And you look a little touched. - What's "touched"?
Wounded, slightly.
Why should I be wounded?
Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night,
but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all.
That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it?
There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
So... (sighs)
How about that lap dance?
I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days,
that rain check'll be worthless.
But that's okay.
I understand if I make you uncomfortable.
You're still a nice girl.
And I still like you.
But I must warn you of something.
You know how people say,
"You're okay in my book,"
or, "In my book, that's no good."
Well, I actually have a book.
And everybody I ever meet goes in this book.
And now I've met you, and you're goin' in the book.
(Butterfly chuckles)
Except...
I'm afraid I must file you...
under...
"Chicken Shit."
And what if I did it?
Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chicken Shit,"
then, now, could I?
What's your name again?
- Stuntman Mike. - Well, Stuntman Mike...
I'm Butterfly.
My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Yeah, it is.
(quietly) Yeah.
Well, why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?
(sighs)
(door closes)
What about "kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
"hysterically funny but not funny-looking guy
who you could fuck" did you not understand?
&&
& Aah. Aah &
& Now. Dowr ir Mexicali &
& There's a pretty little place that h love &
& Where the drirks are hotter thar the chili sauce &
& Ard the boss is a cat ramed Joe &
& He wears a red bardarra &
& Plays a cool piaro &
& hr a horky-tork dowr ir Mexico &
& He wears a purple sash &
& Ard a black moustache &
& hr a horky-tork dowr ir Mexico &
& Well &
& The first time that h saw him &
& He was a-sittirg or a piaro stool &
& h said. "Tell me. Ther. Wher does the fur begir?" &
& He just wirked his eye ard said. "Mar. Be cool" &
& He wears a red bardarra &
& Plays a blues piaro &
& hr a horky-tork dowr ir Mexico &
& He wears a purple sash &
& Ard a black moustache &
& hr a horky-tork dowr ir Mexico &
& hr Mexico &
& All of a sudder. Ir walks a chick &
& hr Mexico &
& Joe starts playirg or a Latir kick &
& hr Mexico &
& Arourd her waist she wore three fishrets &
& hr Mexico &
& She started darcirg with the castarets &
& hr Mexico &
& h didr't krow just what to expect &
& hr Mexico &
& She threw her arms arourd my reck &
& hr Mexico &
& We started darcirg all arourd the floor &
& hr Mexico &
& Ard ther she did a darce h rever saw before &
& So if you're south of the border &
& h mear a-dowr ir a-Mexico &
& Ard you warra get straight. Mar. Dor't hesitate &
& Just look up a cat ramed Joe &
& He wears a red bardarra &
& Plays a blues piaro &
& hr a horky-tork dowr ir Mexico &
& He wears a purple sash &
& Ard a black moustache &
- & hr a horky... & - (record skips)
(chattering)
I'm driving.
We're gonna go somewhere else, gonna go hang out.
Ready to go?
- (car door slams) - Yeah.
- Bye. - BOTH: Bye.
I think you got Mike laid tonight.
(both laugh)
Lookin' good, Cannonball Run!
He's just giving me a ride.
Oh, no doubt.
Have a nice ride!
(both laughing)
Look, double fucks.
(both tittering)
I am not gonna fuck him.
I can hear you.
(laughing)
- He's old enough to be my dad. - I can still hear you.
(both laugh again)
Bye.
Bye-bye!
(both lightly chuckle)
Wow, that's fucking scary.
Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive and...
(sniffs) Scary tends to impress.
Is it safe?
No, it's better than safe.
It's death-proof.
How do you make a car death-proof?
Well, that's what stuntmen do.
You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash-up
there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from?
Yeah.
Well, how do you think they accomplish that?
- CGI? - (laughs)
Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you're right.
Tsk. But back in the all-or-nothin' days...
Varishirg Poirt days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days,
the White Lire Fever days...
real cars smashing into real cars.
Real dumb people driving 'em.
So, give the stunt team the car you want to smash up,
they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and...
Voila!
You got yourself a death-proof automobile.
That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death-proof.
Well, I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour.
Just for the experience.
(door squeaks)
(Pam chuckles)
Why is your passenger seat in a box?
Well, this is a movie car.
Sometimes when you're shootin' a crash, director wants to put a camera in the car...
you know, shoot the crash from the inside.
That's where you put the camera. They call it a "crash box."
(grunts, clears throat)
(metal clangs loudly)
- There you go. - (Pam chuckles)
You know, when you asked to drive me home,
you didn't mention your car didn't have a passenger seat.
Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home.
You asked me for a ride, and I said, "Yes."
But look at the bright side, Pam...
I won't be gettin' fresh, putting my hand on your knee.
(laughs)
That is a bright side.
I thought so.
(door creaks, slams)
(girls laughing)
(girl screams)
(car speeds away)
(door slams, car idles loudly)
(Pam laughs)
Well, Pam...
which way are you going?
- Left or right? - Right.
Ah, that's too bad.
Why?
Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you'd be going left or right.
You see, we're both going left.
You could have just as easily been going left, too,
and if that was the case,
it would have been a while before you started getting scared.
But since you're going the other way,
I'm afraid...
you're gonna have to start getting scared...
immediately.
What the fuck?!
(tires squealing)
Cocksucking motherfucker!
Just fucking let me out of here!
I'll fucking rip your fucking...
Stop the fucking car!
Why are you being such a shit?
(screaming, tires squealing)
(horn honks)
(continues screaming, gasping)
(tires squealing)
(car frame squeaking, rattling)
(grunting)
(continues grunting)
Okay.
Here's the thing.
(shakily chuckles) I get it.
L... I know it's a joke, and super funny.
(gasping) Um, but if you just stop right now,
you know, and... and let me out,
I'll never tell anybody because I know it's a joke.
I know all about jokes.
Ha ha ha!
(sniffs) I promise everything'll be fine.
Just... just... just let me out.
Please?
- And... and... and... - Hey, Pam!
Remember when I said this car was death proof?
- (frame rattling, squeaking) - Well, that wasn't a lie.
This car is 100% death proof.
Only to get the benefit of it, honey...
you really need to be sittin' in my seat.
(car rumbles, idling)
(gasps)
(gasping, groaning)
(gurgles)
(head slams against metal)
(sighs)
Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends.
(tires squeal)
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
So, you got it?
Thanks, honey. You're gonna play it next song, right?
Good boy.
(chuckles)
Growl!
Bye-bye.
Who do you want to hear?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who the fuck are they?
For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point,
almost quit The Who, and if he had,
he would have ended up in this group,
thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich, and Pete.
And if you ask me, he should have.
- (song begins playing) - That's my boy!
&&
& Hold tight. Court to three &
& Gotta stay close by me &
& Ard hold tight. Sirg ard shout &
& Just ride my rourdabout &
& Ard hold tight. Shut your eyes &
& Girl. You suit me for size &
& Forget the other guys &
& You'll rever fall each time you call &
& Hold tight. Hold tight &
& Hold tight &
& Hold tight. Make me feel. What you say is for real &
& Ard hold tight. Carousel &
& Girl. You'll soor rirg my bell &
& Ard hold tight. We will fly &
& Swirgirg low. Swirgirg high &
& We're gorra make the sky &
& You'll rever fall &
(tires squeal)
(engine revs)
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
&&
SHANNA: I want to hear this part of the song louder!
(Stuntman Mike screams)
(hissing)
(distant chattering)
Do you remember anything?
(phone rings)
Uh... l... I don't remember.
(door slams)
EARL: Doctor Block.
(indistinct voice over intercom)
WOMAN: (over intercom) Self-restrairts to Room 310
Well. What's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?
I don't really see it's any of your business.
Come on now, Sis.
You just tell us.
How bad is he?
He got banged up real good.
Busted nose, broken collarbone, smashed up his left index finger.
Is that it?
He was real lucky.
(chuckles)
That'll be all?
Well, that's more than enough, and I wanna thank you, Dr. Block.
(grunts) Son of a bitch.
So, Pop.
What do you think?
Well, Son Number One,
what I think is so goddamn ghoulish I hesitate to speak it out loud.
Well, give it a shot.
Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide.
That ol' boy in there murdered them pretty little gals.
I mean, he used a car, not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Not a goddamn thing.
D.A. Says there ain't no crime here.
Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floatin' on weed,
and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle.
Now, you actually think that he premeditatively murdered them gals?
Well, I can't prove it.
But since thinkin' don't cost nothin', I can think it, and I do.
Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself.
Well, hell yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn...
I mean, them pretty little gals in there look like a goddamn giant
chewed 'em up and spit 'em out.
Did any of 'em survive?
(scoffs) Shit.
Two tons of metal, 200 miles an hour,
flesh and bone and plain old Newton...
they all princess died.
(Son sighs)
Why?
Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.
The only way I can figure it.
High-velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass,
all four souls taken exactly the same time.
Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo.
Yeah, I think the only thing we can dream of getting that bastard on
is vehicular manslaughter for the hitchhiker in the death box.
That was just plain old, goddamn reckless endangerment.
But I got me a goddamn bartender
gonna testify that ol' Stuntman Mike didn't drink a drop all night.
And his passenger was left stranded by her date,
in the goddamn rain, no less, and she asked him for the fucking ride.
Now, on paper, this is gonna look like he was just trying to help her out.
I mean, that's the way the jury's gonna see it.
So, what are you gonna do, Pop?
Tsk.
Well, I could take it upon myself to work the case,
you know, in my off hours.
Search for evidence, you know, prove my theory.
Alert authorities.
Dog that rotten son of a bitch-- wherever he goes, l go.
Or l could spend the same goddamn amount of time and energy
following the NASCAR circuit.
Hmm. l've thought about it a lot.
l think l'd have a hell of a lot happier life if l did the latter.
And just because l can't
punish Old Frankenstein in there for what he's done,
l'm gonna tell you like the Lord told John--
if he ever does it again,
l can make goddamn sure he don't do it in Texas.
&&
& You krow you're slidirg dowr &
& Agairst your heart &
( tires squeal )
& Yeah. you got ore &
& Just close your eyes &
& So you car see &
& No. baby. h dor't care &
& What they say. it's so easy &
& No. baby. h dor't care &
& What they say. it's so easy &
& Yeah. it's comir' or &
( girls chattering )
& ht's gettirg sweeter &
& Ard sweeter &
( sirger laughs )
& hf you're gorra drowr &
& Ther do it the right way &
& The right way &
& h dor't care what they say. it's so easy &
& h dor't care what they say. it's so &
( switches off radio )
- KlM: Are you on the same floor as him? - LEE: No, he's on the fourth.
- And who's in whose room? - He's in mine.
And so what happened then?
We made out for about ten minutes, and then l sent him off to his room.
- So how's the Rock as a kisser? - Mm, he's damn good.
He's got them mushy lips, smooth fingertips.
Mm, l love them mushy lips.
He's a big guy, so he spins me around so my back is up against him,
takes his big hand and puts it on my throat,
tilts my head back and leans over me, kisses me from behind.
Damn, that sounds sexy!
lt was sexy.
But then that was it? You sent him off? How'd he take it?
Wait a minute, what are we doing here?
lf l'm gonna power through and pick up Zoe at the airport, l need coffee.
Since you're getting that, can you get some more vodka and sugar-free Red Bull?
We didn't know you were awake.
l'm not awake. l'm asleep.
But get some more vodka and some sugar-free Red Bull anyway.
And some Red Apple Tans.
Damn, l didn't stop to get you bitches groceries.
- You remember how to get to the airport? - LEE: Uh-huh.
Then you should get behind the wheel, 'cause you gonna drive.
Motherfuckers.
( motion sensor dings )
They ain't got sugar-free Red Bull.
They got regular Red Bull and sugar-free G.O. juice.
- ABBlE: G.O. - KlM: G.O.!
LEE: & lt's not the way you kiss that says you're mine &
& Many, many, many nights go by &
& l sit alone at home and cry over you &
& What can l do &
& Don't want nobody, nobody &
& 'Cause, baby, it's you &
& ls it true what they say &
& All about you &
& They say you'll never ever never be true &
& lt doesn't matter what they say &
& l know l'm gonna love you any old way &
& What would l do &
& Without you &
& l don't want nobody-- &
Where the hell are my keys? Here they are.
Sorry, l didn't mean to give you a concert there.
No, it wasn't you.
That guy bumped into my feet when he walked by.
l don't know why, but that kind of creeped me out.
( engine starts )
( loud rock resumes )
( tires squealing )
& h dor't care what they sayirg to me &
( sirger laughs )
Little dick.
Clearly.
Since l'm up, l might as well hit the ATM.
Get me a fuckin' smoke.
( nearby engine idles )
( tires screech )
( coins drop )
What?
Did you just see the...
What?
Nothing, honey.
( motion sensor dings )
( cell chirps song )
Y'ello.
lt's me.
Miss me?
You best get your ass off Kim's car.
- l've seen Kim sit on it before. - Her ass ain't your ass.
Okay. So, l think l'm in this month's issue of Allure
You got Allure?
Magazines by the window.
Here you are!
( laughing )
You hot mama, you.
See you in a second.
$3.85...out of 20.
And you get 16 and change back. Thank you very much.
You know, l got other fashion magazines for sale behind the counter.
No, that's okay. This'll be all.
Thought l'd ask.
- Thanks anyway. - Have a good one.
l got this month's issue of ltalian Vogue
This month's?
Listen to this.
The Circle A clerk has this month's issue of ltalian Vogue
- No way. - Way!
l can't believe fuckin' Circle A carries ltalian Vogue
lt doesn't. lt's his own personal copy.
He'll let it go for 27 bucks.
( scoffs ) 27 bucks?
What the fuck do you care? We're talking about per diem here.
We found an issue of ltalian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee.
We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands.
l'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.
What, me, you, and Kim?
Kim doesn't give a shit about ltalian Vogue.
but Brandy'll come in with us, and if she won't, Tisla, her sister, will.
Okay, but if anybody tears out any sheets l want,
you gotta make color Xeroxes of those pages, and l'm not talking Kinko's.
You take it to the art department and have them do it fuckin' right.
( chattering )
( shutter clicks )
( clicks )
- Whoo! - ( clicks twice )
- Oh, my God! - ( clicks )
( clicks )
STUNTMAN MlKE: Got it!
( click )
- ( click ) - ...the actress...
( click )
Oh, boy.
Your timing couldn't be better, Zoe.
lt just so happens we're all three off-duty for the next three days.
Fuckin' hell! How does that happen?
l'm doing Lindsay Lohan's makeup, and she's off for the next three days.
There's no stunts being filmed during that time so Kim's free,
and Lee's on a will-notify for the four days.
So how's the shoot going?
Great. We're having the best time.
The director, Cecil Evans, is so fun.
We're making the coolest movie and partying all the time.
Hell, yeah. The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck.
So let's hear it, ladies.
Set romances! Who's getting it off?
That would be Lee and Toolbox.
Oh, Toolbox! Name sounds promising.
- He's a grip. - What he is is a pervert.
Well, he just keeps sounding better and better.
What's his perversion?
He likes to watch me pee.
& Lee is sitting on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee &
& P-l-S-S-l-N-G &
Ooh!
Yeah, but not no more.
Now she's getting it on with the Rock.
You had a one-off with the Rock?
Well, not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce.
He looks like the Rock, so we all just call him the Rock.
Oh, yeah, this is an all-star crew.
We got a guy who looks like Nic Cage and Pee Wee Herman, too.
Kim, dick department. Let's hear it!
Mm-mmm, no dick this trip. l got a man.
- How long have you had this boyfriend? - About three months.
Who'd you steal him from?
Nobody!
- ABBlE: Kim! - Wha--what?
He totally had a girlfriend.
ZOE: All of Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend.
l did not steal him!
l didn't steal any of them; they just...jumped ship.
( girls snorting )
- So what's your story, Abernathy? - Oh, Abbie's got the big Kahuna.
l had a set crush on Cecil.
Set crush? Nigga, please. You were his set wife!
''Were'' and ''had'' being the key words, here.
Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it.
Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me, why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand-in?
( all snorting and cackling )
Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it's so funny!
Stop acting all hurt. Your ass just mad.
Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker.
You need to get over that shit. That was two weeks ago.
Oh, well, now you put it like that...
Oh, l haven't told you the best part.
He fucked her on my birthday.
Oh, that's a horse of a different color.
- Thank you. - Did he know it was your birthday?
l mean, he's the director. He's kind of busy.
He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present.
- ( whispers ) Wow. - Yeah...l think he knew.
What did he get you?
He made me a tape.
He made you a tape?
- ( shrieks ) - Wait, he didn't burn you a CD?
He made you a tape?
- Yeah. - Oh, that is so romantic!
Yes, l know what you're gonna say, so don't even go there.
This sounds like the test of true love to me.
Look, l know you guys like him. He's likeable.
But he fucked another woman on my birthday.
How can you not be on my side?
l admit, that sounds bad.
lt is bad!
lt just sounds like there's a little more to it than that.
Were you two fucking?
Hell, no.
Hello, is your name Abernathy?
Sorry.
The answer to your question is no, of course not.
What do you mean ''No, of course rot''?
The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years
is because girls will fuck him, and if you fuck Cecil,
you don't become one of his girlfriends--
not to say l want to be his girlfriend,
but if l did want to be his girlfriend, if l fucked him, l wouldn't be.
l'd be one of his regulars, and l'm getting too fuckin' old for that shit.
- Have you let him do anything? - Yes!
l've let him give me a foot massage,
and when we go to the movies, l've let him hold my hand.
Bitch, you might be actin' like you 1 2 years old,
but he just acting like a man.
You need to break that nigga off a piece.
Let me get this straight--
you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him,
you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand-in is?
Can we just take my sex life off the table?
Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table--
and your lack of one.
Fuck both of you and your little high-five.
Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga,
and you can start by giving that motherfucker a hand job
in the back of the van on Tuesday.
l'm not gonna do that!
l know you won't! But you know who will--
the bitch that ends up living in that big-ass mansion of his.
l haven't entirely agreed with everything Kim's said,
but it is true if you've stretched it out like you have with Cecil
and you suddenly get dirty on them, it blows their mind.
So Zoe, Kim, and l are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.
- LEE: What were you working on? - Three Kicks to the Head. Part Three
And, admittedly, we're a little fucked up.
- ZOE: ( giggling ) Cheers to that. - Word.
Cheers.
So Zoe...
the genius, wants to take a picture of me.
( others laughing )
lt's dark as hell, and you can't see shit.
So she's got her camera and keeps saying, ''Step back a little!''
So l do.
( imitating Zoe ) Then ''A little fu-ther!''
So l step back a little fu-ther. Then ''A little more!'' So l do.
Then l realize l'm at the edge of a seven-foot concrete ditch...
- ( others cracking up ) - ...with God knows how many rocks
and broken bottles and rats in it, and if l fell in that fucking thing,
l probably would have broken my neck.
So l am yelling at her: ''Zoe, you almost killed me!''
So we laugh about it and walk a little further,
and Zoe starts fuckin' around.
And-- bam!-- if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch!
LEE: Nice.
Thank you. Yep. Thank you.